venting i suppose

i have changed so much it scares me.
i am the world's biggest loner. i hate socalization. even with people i consider to be good friends. i just hate people. and ever since my family figured out about my um "other side", they tell fuckn everybody about it thinking they can make sure other people don't piss me off or whatever. but they tend to even more now. they act like i constantly have a gun to my head and freak out every time i say die or ask where a knife is or anything having to do with that. they're even trying to make me see a therapist. no thank you...i don't like people. they make me go out all the time because they think it isn't healthy for me to be up in my room 24/7, but they have it completely backwards. if i am alone, nothing is there to depress me. i just lay in my bed and listen to my ipod or run a little. and i can do what i want. i don't have to deal with other people. just myself. i can handle that. but when i am around other people i see how perfect they look and how happy they seem and it just kills me. those two are killing me. who would have thought, my own parents.

in the growing race of losers...

its strange how once you get use to something you hate, you don't want to leave it even if it makes your life suck. example: i usually sit alone at lunch despite having "friends" in that lunch period and i usually just get stared at a lot. and i got use to it. and today some of those "friends" i suppose felt pity for me and told me to come sit with them. and guess what, i was reluctant to. i didn't want to be pitied mostly, and also it just didn't seem natural. it has become my thinking time. i realized how much i really dislike people. all people.  

how smart teenagers are

i have been way too busy to post anything, but since its labor day and all, here we go! yes!

well i'll do this in chronological order

some guy who is pretty much in love with me wrote me a song...

and sung it to me. i'm still a bit freaked out

my sister came into my room 2 days ago and saw my wrists...

now my whole family thinks i am a freak

and they are making me go to therapy...

i broke up with my boyfriend yesterday mercilessly

anddd pierced my lip an hour ago. 

by myself...with a sewing needle.

someone should hit me with the stupid stick

which my mom will probably do...

oh god. and my dad comes home tomorrow...

im terrified. 

*cough* slut!

i have never gotten so many "wow. she's a hoe" looks in my life than i had this week. 

...i think im a pretty decent person...but for some reason others don't

so now i feel bad:(

just because i wear v necks (which i will admit are a tad low, but i have seen lower)

wore ONE off shoulder shirt

and happen to get compliments from guys (which are not gross ones)

does not mean i am a hoe....at all.

i happen to be quite unhoeish

and there was a pregnant sophomore in front of me, and they still looked at me like that. 

anyways, enough about that.

well it kind of ties into it, but whatever

during IPC today, i realized i get really depressed when i am alone. 

and part of my perception of being alone is those girls

that just sit there and get all the attention and giggle until you want to shoot their faces off

i am the kid quietly sitting and doing my work

while everyone is talking to their friends

and it gets really bad, im not going into detail about it though.

but most of the time, i am the quiet kid. i actually talked in english today

and a guy by me is like what?! you talk! im like ya...shocker...

and this time i did manage to write down my poems. well poem, it took me 50 minutes to come up with a stupid poem that isn't really that good, so im also not going to put it.

but i just think its funny. i am the quiet kid...not the slut. so what, im not the average nerdy quiet kid. just an insecure one.  

the world hangs from harp strings

first day of school. ewe. 

and of corse, i would be late. 

with myself always primping and whatnot 

but for some reason, during english i think,

all my depression came flooding back

it was so weird

like all of a sudden i was like damn.

this sucks hardcore. 

and i started to mentally write poetry

and some were rather good.

but i can't remember them 

i am only creative when i am depressed

and thats just wrong...not cool. 

and i am also suddenly into indie. a lot haha

mostly because the lyrics are really good:)

like electric president, whom i discovered by a blog haha

you should check them out. see john

im not just into bloodlust roars 

and as for the title, i must put out there,

my friend rebecca plays the harp

i find it amazing:)

the funniest things happen

as soon as i start blogging about all my shit, the shit turns around. 

and i like it:)

things are just getting so much better. its the weirdest thing

out of the darkness and into the light i guess?

nah.i think blogging is just magic.

thats all there is to it:)

quick! comment your wishes! haha

its like losing a limb

wow... all of my friends are practicing for their sports and shit.

so i decided to blog:D

i have never been a sporty kid. i get hit in the face with the equipment too much. and as i have said in the post prior to this one, i am the sulky kid. most likely a result of being an orc dork. what has violin done to me...

anyways, i was watching south park last night and it reminded me of the fish stick joke. i started laughing so hard my dad came upstairs to see what was wrong with me. i couldn't answer him because i could barely breath. and i never even found that very funny until then. the devil made me do it...

and i was chatting away with my friend chris on msn, and somehow we got to the topic of putting sasha's (my kitten if you didn't know...i talk about her a bit too much haha) head in my mouth to see if it will fit...it almost does if you were wondering. i am sick. but she didn't really seem to mind...which is even more sick. and that somehow reminded me of when i was eating with my friend nick that i haven't seen in foooreverrr (i have known him since 3rd grade i think) and about 4 years ago, i became a vegetarian. well i guess i forgot to tell him...and he has declared me handicapped. so now i guess i am handicapped...i should get one of those handicapped parking space things you hang in your car. that would be tight:) and i could get those little electric shopping carts at Walmart without getting bitched at by the employees. nope! i need one! im a vegetarian! oh, well go right ahead. sorry to disturb you. 

ya...and thats where i stop the rambling:x        

just another bit here, i just noticed at the bottom when your are typing a post, where you can put labels on it,one of the examples is scooters. ha

made a playlist of a few songs that you will probably not like, but i do so suck it up and mute your computer or press pause. see? i gave you options. sweet

oh and it also decided it does not want to shuffle, so there is that little problem.

anyways, onto life. i broke one of my gauges yesterday

it pissed me off quite a bit...but they are only 14's so far, so i sort of expected them to.

but now i have to wear plugs all the time. i miss my pinchers:(

oh well. going to a 10 soon. too lazy for 12. enough about stretching my earlobes.

went to school pep rally last night. eeweee. my sister is on the dance team and she made me come to watch her dance. she has been on it for 3 years...its nothing new... i am always that one sulky kid in the stands glaring at everyone and listening to my ipod. oh and i saw this kid who use to call me kitty cat because he could never remember my name. anyways, i endured it. and while the band was playing, one lady in the stands was clapping along really loudly and it never caught on so she just looked like an idiot the whole time. really nothing else to say because im not really doing anything today. but i will sit here and think of something just for you.

i knew these albino twins where i use to live

one had pink eyes

on her driver's license will her eye color say pink? that would be strange.

forks and knives

i was at pet co. today and the lady who checked us out had a fork bent around her wrist as a bracelet. it was kinda cool in a strange way. just felt like sharing that. 

anyways...good mood today:)

except i had to wake up early to get to my school and pick up books and my schedule. eek

i also succeeded at giving a cat a bath. well, a kitten. same thing...as long as she smells like Victoria's Secrets, i don't really care.

huh. my blogs are really changing. i kinda like the old ones better:s

but im sure the less depressed sarah can still come up with something

we'll see 

irony

huh. the picture on my header is of death valley, but it is in my opinion, rather beautiful. do you think this is some twisted message from a supreme being, or do i just think too much? 

you are very observant chase

things seem to be turning around a bit

i thank my lucky stars

and to me, from these few days,

i think you guys have helped

kudo;s to you..oh and thanks:)

and since chase wants details, and you bloggers are so snoopy, i suppose i can tell you

well my parents made me go to this dumb ass dance thing because they want me to meet "nice boys". i am, or my parents are mormon. ya. shocker on shock street. and they are extremely concerned about me just because my mother's first kid *my half brother* is a 24 year old drug addict that lives with his father. she thinks i am going to turn out like him. i don't think she could handle that disappointment in her life again. anyways, so they made me go to the dance. and no mormon boy in their right mind would want a badmouthed scene girl, so i just sat there and watched all the tall skinny blonde girls having fun with the equally peppy boys. my friend veronica was with me, so we just complained the whole time. and then on the last dance i was standing there complaining that i never get a dance, when a buff latino guy came up to me with a wonderful smile on his face and is like uh...want to dance? so we did and he talked. he is just a year older than me...and really good looking..haha. he told me everything i wanted to hear. we got each other's numbers and left. and i don't know. it just put this big goofy smile on my face. anyways, there is your details.  

|update|...

 

well, he hasn't called, texted or attempted to make any contact with me

probably just looking for another booty call. it has been about 4 days

shallow 

|another update|...

ok..wow. i am a total dick. he just texted me and turns out he forgot his phone at the dance and just got it back since it was so far away. and now he is even nicer than ever! wow. i am so mean:( 

website..i guess

got bored. made a website. a free one...cuz im cheap like that. anyways, its pretty much my other half. wanna see?

http://sarahseduction.weebly.com/

ya...the name is weird...friend made it up

i alo realized my name goes with tons of stuff

sarah seduction

if i wanted to be a suicide girl? sarah suicide

and if i dare go here...a spice girl

sarah spice. BADASS! haha

someday came suddenly

an interesting thing happened

my two dogs got in a fight

it isn't too easy to separate two 60 pound dogs

and i got bitten in the process of breaking them up

but after i broke them up they just stared at me

they appeared deeply sorry for what they had done

they started licking the bloody spot on my arm

then they licked each other's wounds 

best friends again

jeffry didn't care that trixie made a gash in his neck

and trixie didn't care that jeffry punched a hold in her snout

and as i cleaned them up they just looked pitiful

they looked so upset that they had done that to the other

they find it so easy to forgive each other

why can't we all be that way?

i just realized

i get up every morning,

and straighten my hair, tease it

tediously paint on eye makeup 

find a band tee or v neck

squeeze into skinny jeans

put on 14 bracelets

it takes me about 2 hours

WHAT THE HELL?!

i am working too hard for nothing

its weird. i am paranoid

i think some day my love will come up

knocking on my door

and i answer in pjs 

but really, only my cat will see me.

i dressed up for a cat.

lovely.

  

we can be forgotten

i hate being told i am beautiful

because i hate lies

i can tell when people just say it

as an attempt to boost my self-esteem 

sorry, don't try again

but i want someone to mean it

make me believe it

and i love you wouldn't hurt

if you want to make me melt

in short, i guess i am just looking for nothing

because i fantasize. darn

and the whole time i have had the same song in my head

the perfect things in poetry 

by...hmm. upon beauty rests. yes, thats it

lovely song

makes me sad though

it has that affect on people...

made my friend cry during class

but she is like me

except she is beautiful

and i mean it.

and this post is not at all to fish for compliments 

just to let ya know. or any other complainish post

i wish there was someone who knew more about me than i do. someone that you could really talk to. none of us would be in this situation if that little miracle happened. some people say its god, but he never talks back. not to me anyways. pray. pray hard. everyone tells me that.  how can you pray without faith? and if i can't pray, where do i get faith? m just so lost. i am sunken into something i can't even describe, mostly because i'm too numb to know what it is. so how am i suppose to know where i am in life? i ask too many questions. it makes me even more lost. my life seems to be a makeshift raft. when you get off the island, you bring things with you. i keep packing shit on it, and it will eventually sink. i will sink with it. everything will sink, but i throw some things overboard first. love for myself, happiness, concern for myself, ability to think for myself, love, and the will to live. if any of that makes sense at all. i just don't know anymore. 

on my mind. it juts flows

dear sarah,

sometimes you just have to reach out

help the ones you don't know

we are not a lost cause

we all need something

just to depend upon

we need love

but i am denied 

you may be too

i wouldn't know

are we that bad?

look at me

sitting here

blogging like i am two people

i guess

it may be

because i need another

to help me

thats what i need 

help

please