just in case anyone is still out there...

...if not, then this is mostly for myself anyways.

my life is beautiful. the beauty has always been there, but i was too envious of other's to see it. i want my own life now, not to fantasize about someone else's. i now appreciate it for all the wonder and glory it holds. though the end of that last sentence sounds like its from the bible, it is true. now i love myself, and not because of anyone else. i know i am not even close to the ideal human being, and i show my thankfulness every day for this. these days i cry with joy instead of dejection.

i hope you all soon feel the same if you already don't <3

there is always an up side to things

i have been doing much better:) (for all of you who give a shit haha) well anyways i just wanna tell you that whoever you are, as long as you are reading this, i appreciate you. and i love you. i really do. i dont know why im writing this, but i just know i am suppose to. and i truly do feel it. i love you.

promise.

rock bottom 2...jesus.

well you may have seen this coming but this is rock bottom 2. rock bottom 1 never got any better and i finally did the unimaginable and overdosed. stupid idea. it was much slower than i anticipated and i ended up having to go to school anyways...proceeding to pass out in the main hallway. stupid. stupid stupid stupid. anyways, i was basically unconscious in the hospital for about a day and a half and when i finally got back to thinking half straight i checked my phone. sure enough, about 20 million texts asking what the fuck happened. damn it. if getting wheeled through your high school hallways on a stretcher screaming out god knows what isn't horribly embarrassing then only Satan's cat knows what is. anyways, after 4 days in the hospital and a week in a mental hospital (required by our wonderful child protection services...but at least i got out the day before my sister's birthday) i had to go back to that godforsaken hellhole of a school. you can only imagine the rumors going around which stretched from kidnapped to in jail for trying to kill my parents. what the hell are these kids thinking? the only thing that really bothers me is that they use me as something to talk about. i'm just a new story. of course they moved onto the next hot gossip of a pregnant chick who got in a fight with another girl and lost her baby after being punched in the stomach. turns out she wasn't even pregnant to begin with. stupid whore. anyways, getting off topic, which doesn't matter because my story for the day has come to an end. im not even sure why i bothered to type all this out...nobody will even read it haha all my blog followers have stopped paying attention to me because i was gone for so long....my parents took my laptop away for failing classes, which i have just recently gotten back. anyways, if you read this please comment it just so i know your out there. even freaks like me need a little reassurance:)

rock bottom (mostly venting)

my family hates brandon. my sister is being a dick about everything. god i hate her. shes suppose to be my best friend. they dont even have a reason not to like him he was nothing but nice to them. they say they just want to help but they destroy. they destroy my life. i hate them i hate them i hate them. they can go die and i would be a happy orphan. well mostly my sister, only child would be nice. she sucks. hardcore. im on the phone with him and she comes in and bitches at me for going out with him. i love him. not her. life sucks right now im sorry.

sorry im just really pissed right now and i needed to get that out. and even after this im still pissed. im scared i might do something:(

i have been reborn!

well, not really. but whatever. i have not blogged in lets just say forever, and its sad. i saw chase's comment on my last blog and it made me sad. yes i did see it! proved you wrong! love ya chase haha. anywhommmm i would like to announce finding my first true love:) i wont say his name cuz i know someone will facebook stalk him haha) i will post a picture though:) sadly we met online. im still a loser that has not changed a bit. people say im too young to love and such but whatever. i love his asian ass! (and yes i realize he is sitting on a girl in this picture but thats his friend's girlfriend so no worries haha) sooo anyways, leave your comments and tell me how you have been:) i miss you kids! even though im most likely younger than most all of you cuz kids my age are too busy at the mall to document their lives, but thats really none of my concern. oh well:)

love you,
sarebear

venting i suppose

i have changed so much it scares me.
i am the world's biggest loner. i hate socalization. even with people i consider to be good friends. i just hate people. and ever since my family figured out about my um "other side", they tell fuckn everybody about it thinking they can make sure other people don't piss me off or whatever. but they tend to even more now. they act like i constantly have a gun to my head and freak out every time i say die or ask where a knife is or anything having to do with that. they're even trying to make me see a therapist. no thank you...i don't like people. they make me go out all the time because they think it isn't healthy for me to be up in my room 24/7, but they have it completely backwards. if i am alone, nothing is there to depress me. i just lay in my bed and listen to my ipod or run a little. and i can do what i want. i don't have to deal with other people. just myself. i can handle that. but when i am around other people i see how perfect they look and how happy they seem and it just kills me. those two are killing me. who would have thought, my own parents.

in the growing race of losers...

its strange how once you get use to something you hate, you don't want to leave it even if it makes your life suck. example: i usually sit alone at lunch despite having "friends" in that lunch period and i usually just get stared at a lot. and i got use to it. and today some of those "friends" i suppose felt pity for me and told me to come sit with them. and guess what, i was reluctant to. i didn't want to be pitied mostly, and also it just didn't seem natural. it has become my thinking time. i realized how much i really dislike people. all people.